My Quest for Lemonade

I don't know why I've always loved lemons.  I always got the lemon filled doughnuts from the store, had lemonade at my five year old tea parties.  When I was little, I wanted an ocean cake, but lemon frosting, so my mom dyed it blue. My grandmother taught me how to make lemon meringue pie, first making the crust, crimping the edges with my knuckles, and then making the lemon filling.  I loved watching the meringue form in the mixer, the clear egg yolks getting whiter and whiter with bubbles.

The phrase "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade" has kind of been my mantra.  Whatever life throws at me, I somehow have always put a positive spin on it.  I take what life gives me and make something good out of it.  I drive my husband mad with what he calls my "annoying habit" of optimism.  But I've got to be honest, this one is something that I'm having a hard time making into lemonade.

As many of you know, I was diagnosed with lupus almost two years ago.  I still remember my doctor giving me the news.  Neither of us expected to find it in the preliminary testing.  It was only supposed to help establish me as a patient in the clinic, not diagnose me with an autoimmune disease.  Heck, I didn't even know really what an autoimmune disease was, other than my dad's rheumatoid arthritis.  That was only the beginning.  The past two years have included bouts of depression and anxiety, more diagnoses, too many doctor office visits, a yearlong hiatus from college, and a new world I couldn't have even began to imagine at the beginning of this journey.

It hasn't all been bad.  I met new people, people struggling through it just like me, who understand and can relate to my day to day struggles.  I married my husband, who helps me through it and is my constant cheerleader, coach and silent comfort.  I've made new connections and found a compassion for those who struggle that I didn't think was possible.  But it doesn't make it any easier.  Every day is a struggle, every minute.  Things that used to be easy are unbearably hard, and things I thought were hard are now mere ideas too hard to even contemplate.

I am still waiting to find the lemonade in all of this.  Maybe this is a ten year kind of epiphany, or maybe I never will find it.  This blog is my way to try to document it all, the good, the bad, the tender mercies.  I am not setting out to change anyone else's life, but if it is changed along the way, then I hope it is for the better.  This blog is my quest for lemonade, and a chance to see life through a different lens.  If you haven't already, I would buckle in.  You're in for a crazy ride.

Ashlei