To the friend who unfriended me-

To the friend who unfriended me-

I asked one of our other friends why you would have done such a thing.  They replied, “Probably because you’re not in their life anymore.”  I wish I could tell you I didn’t want to drop out of your life.  To be honest, sometimes it feels like I dropped out of mine.  I didn’t find out you had unfriended me until I went to look what you were up to.  And then I realized.  I wonder if you thought I wouldn’t notice.  And then I wonder if you thought I would, and relished in that thought.

The last time I saw you in person, I tried to explain, but you didn’t really seem to care.  You didn’t want to hear it, and walked away. That last time I saw you I was in one of the darkest parts of my life, I felt like I had lost everything.  It was a few months after my diagnosis, and I was barely functioning.  I felt like my body had betrayed me, and everything I loved doing had been torn from me. I looked at you, and saw someone unwilling to try to understand, to see it from any point of view but their own.  You hurt me that day, and it has sat on my heart.

Even if you didn’t know it, I still cared, still care.  Every time I spoke to one of our friends, I asked about you, how you were doing.  It bothered me, your removal of me from your life.  You would argue that I removed myself, but I didn’t want to.  My husband would argue that I shouldn’t let it bother me.  But it has.  It didn’t help when I saw you the other day.  You were right next to us at the red light, I could see your profile.  It brought it all back, the anger, the pain. And then I realized I had to do something.

I needed to forgive you.

Something I have learned with lupus is the precious commodities of health and time. When those two coincide, it is a serendipitous occasion not worth wasting.  And even when they don’t, they are so limited, that having either seems like a miracle.  I no longer can waste time wondering why you wished me out of your life.  I don’t have the energy to try to convince you back into mine. I am sorry you do not think I am your friend any longer.  But I understand.  I wish you well, and I wish you the best happiness in the world.  I hope one day you may read this, may realize it is you, and reach out.  Until then, know I still wonder about you, what your adventures have become.  And no matter how long it is until we speak again, I still consider you my friend.

-Ashlei